Saturday, May 5, 2012

"Why can't you just be happy?"

I know I had good reasons for putting off the ultrasound until 7 weeks. I know I did.

What were they again?

This last week felt never ending. It really did. Although work is totally nuts (5 weeks of the school year left and literally over 20 events and deadlines in the meantime) time seemed to slow down enough to let me freak out about 5 times per day.

The thoughts in my head go something like this:
"I have no symptoms. I know this is another missed miscarriage."
"No, you have a hand picked embryo, high betas, and progesterone. Plus, your due date is New Year's Day! That's good luck! You're good."
"But, this has gone badly before. This will be the same."
"It's just too early. You are acting like a crazy person! Some people never get morning sickness."
"I wonder when I should schedule a baby shower in Los Angeles? I have a wedding to attend there in October."
"Don't think too far in the future, you'll jinx it. Don't blog about it, you'll jinx it. Don't be happy, you'll jinx it."
"You'll feel better when you see the heartbeat on the 14th."
"But what if you miscarry after that?"

You get the idea.

I have resorted to stupid, self soothing behavior. For example, I was in CVS looking for a Mother's Day card for my mom, and saw FRERs were on sale. It has been over a week since my betas, confirming I am pregnant. But there they wereon the shelf, three for $11.99 to boot.

Yeah, I bought some. Why?

Even if I did miscarry, I would still have a high enough hcg level right now to give me a BFP. But, it made me feel better for 2 minutes to see a fast, dark test line that came back darker than the control line.

This level of anxiety isn't good. It really isn't. But it feels out of my control, like a primal reaction. I can't seem to get attached, be happy, or focus on the positive. It's almost like an out of body experience. Without any symptoms or additional betas, I have nothing to latch onto. Nothing that makes me feel pregnant.

A friend who is waiting on the results of her recent IUI told me that because several people we know (along with myself) have gotten BFPs, that she feels like she is doomed for a BFN. Like there aren't enough BFPs to go around. I completely understand how she feels.

In the last two weeks, several bloggers (Unaffected, Belle, Miss Conception, Mrs. Rochester, Lanie -  did I miss anyone?) have also announced BFPs along with me. I am thrilled for all of us. We all deserve to get our babies after battling infertility and loss for so long. But, that cynical part of my brain kicks in sometimes. Are there enough take-home babies for all of us to be successful?

I really, really hope so.

I also can't help but think of the bloggers whom I know and love that have not yet gotten their BFPs or had a recent loss. It hurts my heart to know my BFP caused them any pain. This blogging community is special, but complicated. I know how it is to feel happy for another blogger and yet to feel disconnected and distant from them at the same time, because the sameness of the shared journey shifted.

I'm really hoping that all of you stick with me anyway.


  1. I think you can be happy and anxious at the same time. IF is hard, and of course the things that might go wrong are floating in the back of your mind, but that doesn't mean that they will. I believe that there are enough children for us all. I really do.

    Also, if POAS makes you feel better, pee away my dear!

    I'll look forward to lots of good news after your 7 week u/s. Good luck!

  2. Wow this post hit home in so many ways. I totally understand the back and forth thoughts. I think it happens to everyone. But the jinxing and stuff is so me right now. I get that...totally.

  3. My feelings exactly! Its so hard to just have faith at this point. I still take my temp every morning to reassure myself. I dont know when i will stop that. The ultrasounds do help along the way. So you will be feeling much betteron the 14 once you see that your hand selected embie is growing! I have often wondered about the success if all of our bfp. And i think yeah. We will all take them home. We will. Its funny. We get our bfp finally and then the worry sets in almost immediately. But thats normal. We are going to be moms. We have to try to protect that baby now. Scary stuff! :)

    Sometimes i wonder about mine because it wasnt a hand picked or pgd'd embie. Im praying for all if us!!

    1. Oooh if I was still temping I would still be temping every day for sure. I stopped when we started IVF. This is one of the only times I've missed it. I'm praying for you too girl.

  4. I'm not gonna're gonna worry the whole time. I've made it past miscarriage stage, made it through all my ultrasounds that I'm gonna have, made it to viability...and now I have found brand new things to worry about that it never would have occurred to me to worry about. Braxton Hicks are the devil and I worry constantly that they aren't Braxton Hicks and that I'm going into preterm labor. And my latest and greatest I now worry THAT MY BUMP ISN'T GROWING FAST ENOUGH, I'm pretty sure this is ridiculous since I was just measured on Monday, growing right on target, yet I've been consumed with worry the last few days because it looks the same as it did last week...and the week before. You'll make it through it all, but worry will be your constant companion. Most of the time I just have to talk myself out of whatever crazy thing I'm worrying about THAT WEEK and move on. The ultrasounds and Dr.'s appts only help for a day...maybe two. It sucks, but it's pregnancy after IF/loss. And YOU ARE PREGNANT!!!

    1. I bet your bump did get a little bigger :) Maybe you just can't tell. xo

  5. oh my, you read my mind. I am thinking ALL those things right now. I am ready to go buy a bunch more of the dollar store tests so I can continue testing. I also can't seem to attach to this pregnancy. It's still early so I am hoping it will happen once I have a couple of ultrasounds under my belt.
    We'll have to hold each other up. How does that sound? We'll be happy and confident for each other.

    1. Oooh I forgot about Dollar Store tests.. :) Yes, sounds like an excellent plan.

  6. I completely relate to your friend...In fact, I said the same thing to my husband yesterday - this month CAN'T be our month, because so many other people have gotten BFP. But he reminded me that there are not quotas on these things (stupid logical men). And he's right. Same with staying pregnant in your case - there is NO REASON for it not to work out. I am sure the worry will never go away, so the best advice I can offer is to take it one day at a time and remember "I am pregnant TODAY". Looking forward to hearing the GOOD results of your 7 week u/s.

  7. I don't know how I missed your great news!! Congratulations! I will continue to have you in my prayers for a long, healthy and successful pregnancy! Oh... and please pass me the BFP vibes!

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  9. I know how you feel about feeling that there is a finite amount of good that can go around. Thank you for sharing this post, it definitely makes me feel more sane about my own fears of bad things happening to me b/c good things are happening to others. Totally irrational, but it's nice to see that there are more than me getting caught up in irrational thoughts.

    I was talking to my sister last night, who, like me, suffers from endometriosis and had a long bout of infertility before conceiving her son by chance. We were actually talking about this same anxiety that you're talking about... and that even when we get good news, it's impossible to embrace it fully and not get caught up in the next big hurdle and a series of "what ifs." What she said to me is that this anxiety never ends. Throughout the pregnancy. During labour. After the baby's born. When the baby is a a walking, talking little boy. There's always the next thing that could go wrong.

    I kind of found this comforting (in a sick and twisted kind of way, haha). It made me feel like I was a part of something normal. That my anxiety is shared by millions of women around the world. That it's ok to be anxious about getting pregnant followed by anxious about staying pregnant. Followed by... followed by ...

    Hang in there. You are pregnant! The odds are IN your favour, not out. It's so hard to be optimistic when we've been faced with let down after let down. But somehow we make it through. You will make it through. And so will your little bean. Yes, things can go wrong (as you so painfully know), but the things that can go right are much more statistically plausible.

    Good luck. We are rooting for you!!!!

    Queen of the Slipstream

    1. Thanks so much for the sweet comment! Good luck with your journey!

  10. I get every word you're saying. I wish I could say something to calm you down, but as if I'm one to talk. :-)
    Just keep throwing yourself into work, and hope for the best, it's really all we can do.
    Holding my breath right along with you.

    1. work and ice cream. those are my coping mechanisms :)

  11. Well said, Alicia!!!

    You're going to worry for the rest of your life, but it actually becomes easier with time.

    Once you get a BFP, EVERYONE around you gets one. They're contagious. (And maybe, just maybe, you're paying slightly closer attention.) It felt that way for me, and I know EXACTLY what you're saying.

    As for symptoms: I never had a single bout of morning sickness - and OBSESSED about it. I poked myself in the boobs A MILLION times a day, just to make sure they were still a little sore. (Then, I obsessed that the amount of poking I was doing was causing the soreness...) I got really good at doing it so no one would notice. And I continued to POAS every few days. (This level of anxiety is why my OB ok'd an occasional glass of wine.)

    Hang in there! It WILL get easier after the heartbeat. (Not EASY, but easier.)


    P.S. Heads up: Once you have a few symptoms, they come and go, and there will be plenty of days where you don't feel pregnant. Don't freak. TOTALLY normal.

    1. You made me feel so much better E. Thank you so much for your constant cheerleading. :)

    2. I'm hoping I'll get to see you in a couple of weeks. I'll bring my pom-poms!

  12. Hi :) First time commenter, long-time reader (at least since starting my blog back in December). Just wanted to send a big hug and many congratulations for your wonderful BFP and hoping you continue to reach all of the milestones until you can bring your baby home!
    I think the anxiety will never go away, especially after going through this IF journey and experiencing a loss - I can relate to that. But I truly believe that all of us deserve our dream to come true, and that sooner or later we will all get there. It is hard to read about other's BFPs and not be able to be there, or be supposed to be there but didn't work out.
    But from the bottom of my heart, the hope that it does work out wins over any other feelings. I think this is what makes this community special, that we are all at different stretches of the road, but knowing that we will get there makes it easier to keep fighting on. Thanks for sharing your story ♥

  13. I'm right here with you. Be kind to yourself regarding the anxiety. Who wouldn't have some after what you've been through?

    So very happy for you!

  14. Totally normal. You will be anxious for a while, but you will definitely feel a little once you hear that glorious heartbeat!

  15. This post is all too familiar!!! I think it's completely natural to feel the way that we do...including the urge to still POAS (especially if they're on sale, right)??? Praying for peace as you await your 7-week U/S. Hang in there, sweetie! xoxo

  16. Sending 1000 good thoughts. The description of the anxiety being almost primal is spot on.

  17. Just sending a huge huge congrats from me - may those Betas go up and may the 7 week ultrasound be everything you dream it will be!! Big hugs! xx

  18. Oh Hon. ((((((HUGS)))))) What you're feeling/thinking is normal. Shitty, but normal. So stop beating yourself up. I'm thinking of you and hoping that this next week flies by, resulting in good news very soon!

  19. Is it normal that I'm still using HPTS every morning just to make sure I haven't woke up from this amazing dream?
    The sight of those two lines makes most of my anxiety disappear.
    I agree with seeing and hearing the heart beat will help with all the anxiety.
    But we've all been down that road or know someone who has heard it and seen it and did end their 9 months with a baby. Or those, like myself, that had that embryo attach in the wrong area.
    This is so fragile and we are so fragile - but I have to admit I'm so thankful to have this amazing group of girls - I honestly do not know what I would do without you all!

    I'll be thinking of you through it all!
    3rd BETA Wed and ultra sound on May 30th - finger, toes, eyes and legs crossed everything works out!

  20. I hope your u/s goes well and the stress leading up to it leaves your body and mind. Sending you goodness and all that is involved with the happiness of a pregnancy. I follow you soon for my own, we can commiserate together when things get too anxious. Best of luck friend.

  21. I peed on sticks until I had a confirmed heartbeat. And after that I still carried around the FRER unmistakable HPT in my purse. Whenever I'd feel doubtful, I'd pull out the test and look at it. Look at that dark second line.

    Once the baby's heartbeat was audible by Doppler (around 13 weeks for me), I checked the heartbeat EVERY DAY. Every day I was prepared not to hear one, braced for it.

    I was ready for bad news, and yeah, even during labor, when things dragged out and I ended up with an emergency C, I thought, "The baby might not make it."

    But there were also lovely moments in the pregnancy, when I would talk to my baby. I figured, even if things were not going to work out, I wouldn't want to waste a day this baby was with me. So what if it would make my grief bigger, if something went wrong? Shouldn't I celebrate the baby who was with me that day, that moment?

    There were many points my anxiety would spike, before 12w nuchal fold test, any day of first trimester, but there were a lot of good days too. But this doesn't mean that I didn't check the toilet paper obsessively to make sure I hadn't pooped the baby out.

    Maybe you should buy a bunch more of the cheapity strips so you CAN pee on one every day without breaking the bank. You might need to start saving to pay for college, just sayin.

  22. I'm staying right here. Love ya too much to leave.

  23. I really hope this is it for you. I had the same thoughts when I got pregnant, and now I admit I got a little scared for all of you!


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