Tuesday, March 13, 2012

A Letter to my Worst Enemy


courtesy of Mad Magazine

Dear Depression and Anxiety,

You and I have known each other a long time. We became intimately acquainted when I was at the tender age of 11 when I managed to miss over 20 days of school in one academic year, because I couldn't handle you. Remember how it went?
1. Girls were mean to me at school.
2. I would cry at school and be unable to focus the rest of the day.
3. I would go home, crawl into bed, cry some more, and rerun the day's events over and over and over again.
4. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Back then, they called me a kid who "worried a lot." Oh if only it was that simple. Even then, I knew this went beyond just worrying and being sad.

That was only the beginning of our lifelong battle: you vs. me.

Remember when I was 16 and we really came to blows? You took the opportunity to attack when my high school sweetheart broke up with me, and you just wouldn't let go. You watched me stay in bed, day after day, crying and shaking with sadness. You laughed in my face and put your foot on my neck, holding me down until I nearly broke. Luckily, my family had lots of personal experience battling the likes of you, so they held me up and knew what to do to help. That's when I found a couple of lethal weapons against you: medication and therapy. I managed to beat you back, and I emerged victorious. Although you popped your head out of the sand again several years later, when I had a falling out with a college friend, this time I was prepared. I enlisted the help of a brand, spanking, new therapist (we'll call her Darlene) and you went back into hiding.

The next time we met, you brought a wing man: anxiety. This time, you pounced when my back was turned. I really thought when I decided to try going off medication at 27, all was going well. It was summer, I was stress-free and feeling good. But little did I know that the minute the school year started, you would pull a dirty trick: panic attacks. This time, it wasn't sadness that debilitated me. Instead, this was something much harder to handle. I had never felt anything like it. I couldn't catch my breath. I couldn't stop the racing, repetitive thoughts. I couldn't sleep or eat. KG would watch me pace the apartment at all hours, trying to work off some of the excess energy, feeling so helpless. This was a nasty, heartless addition to our battle. I was completely powerless against you, so I added something new to my arsenal of weapons against you. Along with a med change and therapy, this time I added exercise to the mix. All of a sudden, things calmed down and I was able to control the overwhelming feeling that my heart was going to explode in my chest.

Recently, some life circumstances invited you back into my life. Between my miscarriage, PCOS diagnosis, failed IUIs, KG's mother's death, a failed IVF, financial worries, and plenty of work stress to boot, the door swung open, inviting you to come prancing through. It feels like we are at opposite sides of that door - you pushing in while I try to keep you out. You try and try, but I put all my strength into keeping myself safe. Occasionally, you cause me a pretty bad day (or week) of sleeplessness, tears, and worry but I have gotten better and better at keeping you at bay. My newest secret weapon? Blogging. Somehow, writing about all of this chaos has helped keep you on a leash.

I have to admit though, you still have power over me. Even when you aren't rearing your ugly head, you make me feel weak and ashamed. Whether I like it or not, there are assumptions about people who battle with depression and anxiety and I hate being saddled with that stigma. Just like with infertility: people who have never experienced it have no clue what it is like to deal with something like this.

I can't help but wonder if we will always battle, or if this chapter of my life will end at some point.

Until then, I'll be the one pushing on the other side of the door.

-HRF

22 comments:

  1. Wow this story sounds so familar. Suffering from anxiety and depression is so exhausting. I always said if I could live on xanax for the rest of my life I would be so happy. To bad thats not an option though.

    I was just checking your blog about hour ago to see if there were any updates on ivf #2.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. IVF#2 is a go! I am cyst free and I start Lupron on the 21st!

      Delete
    2. Great news! I am so excited about this cycle for you. I really think its going to be great.

      Delete
    3. Oh, depression and anxiety....I know them well. I had one major panic attack right after college, and somehow managed to keep more of them at bay with intensive therapy 4 times a week, as well as training for a marathon. There are days I still feel that familiar "can't catch my breath" feeling, which is so scary. Depression has made appearances, too, sometimes to a point where I loose track of whether or not I'm going through a "bout" or if this is just "me".

      PCOS-ers are at much higher risk for depression and anxiety--there is a strong opinion it's linked to irregular and high LH levels. Not like this is much comfort, but sometimes it helps to know it's not just in our head!

      http://pcosinfo.com/pcos-and-depression-2/

      Keep pushing that door. We will not let it beat us! xoxo

      Delete
  2. Thank you for sharing this. I've battled depression and my husband's battled depression and anxiety. They are persistent foes. I wish you lots of success pushing that door closed, and I'm so glad that blogging has been a source of support. Take care.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You're recognition of depression and anxiety's role in your life is huge! It took me years to recognize that I have an issue with anxiety and how crippling it can be. Fighting back means knowing the monster and recognizing the signs. Always easier said than done.

    I'm glad you're doing what you need to do to battle this monster. And never apologize for what you're living with. I think those who would belittle you for dealing with this are the same people who are closeted or refuse to face the monster. For what it's worth, I think it takes a lot of courage to deal with this.

    And hooray on the news about IVF #2!!!! Very exciting!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I have been very lucky to escape this - my mom and sister battle depression and I know
    It is a long hard fight. Good for you for fighting back, this journey is tough enough as it
    Is without the added enemies of depression, anxiety etc. you are one tough lady, and you are winning the battle with the door. Can't wait to see you tackle ivf #2.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ugh. Ditto. I feel for you, and hope you can stay on the other side of the door.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'll be pushing against the door with you. Depression and Anxiety are a familiar to me and there is no easy way to cope but in my experience acceptance is a huge step. Recognizing your weaknesses and fighting like hell to not let them take over your life. You are doing just that and you are doing great. Lots of love!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm sure that Smoon has introduced you to The Bloggess, but I'm not sure if you follow her. If you don't, you should, but regardless, you should read this post. It is possibly the most moving thing I've ever read. The MOST IMPORTANT part of the piece is this: Depression is a disease. It's like cancer. And we should CELEBRATE our successes against it - just like when we celebrate when someone's cancer goes into remission. People survive depression JUST LIKE people survive cancer. It changed my perspective. And you are winning, my dear, and incredibly brave for sharing your struggles with us.

    http://thebloggess.com/2012/01/the-fight-goes-on/

    (P.S. She responds to the overwhelming support she receives in response to this post in a later post - read that too.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for this! I'll be sure to check it out.

      I like the premise already - depression is a health issue like any other.
      xoxo

      Delete
  8. Your post totally helped me help one of my friends today. She struggles with depression and we both received pink slips (as teachers) today and they were a complete shock. She didn't deal well and I didn't know how best to respond because I dealt to differently. But I told her about your post, we got a drink and she's doing pretty well...thanks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 1. I am SO SORRY about the pink slips. You know I'm a teacher too and this is a scary, scary thing. Any chance they'll do a rehire over the summer?

      2. I'm so glad the post helped!

      Delete
  9. Sorry you have this extra crap to deal with. I don't think I have depression, but I do worry a lot. I do cry. I know how hard it is to push through grief and try to find happiness when all seems lost. I think you are doing so well for everything you are having to handle. You will be a success...I know it.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Yup blogging does help a bit. Hoping that all is well with you.

    ReplyDelete
  11. This is the first time I have stopped by here I think, I recognise this story absolutely. You could have been describing my journey. We just have to keep on fighting. My blog has helped me massively.

    ReplyDelete
  12. That was powerful.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Blogging has been a HUGE part of my journey too. I never imagined that it would be so helpful and therapeutic.

    Excited about ivf #2 for you!

    And remember, because of blogging, you now have all your friends pushing back with you to keep that door shut!! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  14. This is a great post about depression and anxiety and I truly appreciate your honesty. I don't have anything profound to add but wanted to say how much I liked the post!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Great post. Boy can I relate to this. Unfortunately I think we will be battling this the rest of our lives. I don't know where I would have been if it wasn't for blogging and my psyc. Hugz lovely lady!

    ReplyDelete
  16. I just found your blog, and definitely will be following!

    What an incredible post. Dealing with IF has brought out anxiety and depression (including panic attacks for the first time in my life) that I had never come to terms with, but am realizing I've been dealing with since childhood. For years I also missed many days of school like you did, not able to cope with the social stresses of school life. Unfortunately, I had a family that was dealing with too many other big issues of their own to recognize what was going on with me, so I didn't get help until I was in my 20s. I never realized how bad it was until starting therapy for my IF related stress. Now I get to dig into all that bad stuff from when I was a kid on top of all that's going on now. It is completely overwhelming at times.

    Thank you for this post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so sorry you have had to deal with the same shit without the family support. Thanks for commenting!

      Delete

Shout it, shout it, shout it out loud!